Seriously , why ?

I hate being overwhelmed. It makes me panic. If too many things are happening at once, i just break down. Or i walk away like i didnt see anything. & of course i would live the life thats always overwhelming with bullshit.

Why is that? Why is it that those little things that bother you, irritate you, and send you over the edge, tend to ALWAYS happen to you?
Why do i hate the sound of weedwackers, yet i hear them everywhere?
Why can't i use a public bathroom without turning the sink on so others can't hear me go? yet i ALWAYS get the urge to pee in public?
why is that?
i really dont know, and i probly never will but its pissing me off not knowing.

i hate not knowing
i'm a nosey person, aside from my big nose.
and i like to figure things out and know whats going on.
but when i cant figure it out .. uhhh .

This school is more of a jail.
Minus the creepy old men in shackles, and barbed wire fences.
the food sucks, every building stinks, deans watch you like you've got a bomb in your book bag, and we have the strictest dress code.

Maybe BHS is in partner with the Marion County Jail .. ?
Why is it so shitty here?
the middle school isn't like this, why is it like this here?

So last night i sat on the phone with my friend for 3 1/2 hours. Listening to her rant about something her 'best friend' did. & at the end of it all she counted on ME to decide the fate of their friendship.
A simple question like , "should i still be her friend?"
is more complex than it sounds.

When times get weird, & you can't decide for yourself,
why do we turn to others to do it for us?
Laziness? Curiosity? Lack of responsibility? why is that?
We would rather someone else choose our fate, then ourselves.

I'm procrastinating my online class, Algebra 2. It wasn't easy the first time i took it, and it's only gotten harder since then.
Why aren't we built with these things in our brains?
Why must me teach ourselves these lessons,
yet other things come natural?
Calculating a simple slope intercept form problem takes nearly 20 minutes for me to figure out,
yet were born with this knowledge of stupid things.
Like 'Hey im hungry, i should eat." or "My leg hurts, i should find out why."
Why is that?
Why waste common sense, and natural knowledge on such bullshit and hype?
Why not come into the world with more than that?
We would probly have more succesful people in this world,
and deffinatly get more out of life.

but who am i to decide this right?
im not god .

In my head.

I don't know where to start, where to draw the line or when to wave that white flag. When i was younger, i used to admire my sister, and her friends. & how they were older than me, & had all the freedom in the world. To go as they please, and do as their young hearts' desires. But i guess i didn't take into consideration that with freedom comes, responsibility. I'm not the best at balancing things out, I'm actually the worst. I get all confused, my eye brows raise to the sky and i panic. I'd rather avoid something then send myself into cardiac arrest just trying to understand whats going on at the moment. From forgetting homework to not even knowing about that exam.

That same trait, i think messes me up in many other ways .. especially love. or the attempt at love. whatever you wanna call it, because i just don't know. Some days i think i should have said yes .. others i try to push it out of my head and replace it with some other pointless thought. I'm so mixed & beaten on this subject that finding the words to explain it just isn't in me today.

There 6 1/2 weeks of school left, and my senior year isn't all i thought it would be. Juss work work work and heartbreak .. i give too many people my trust, and I'm tired of being hurt. I've almost forgotten what friendship is thanks to all these shady, disrespectful people in this town.

Is it a sin to think of yourself as better than others,

but only in some ways?
To think you know what it takes to be a good friend,

but get still get shit in return?

I'm starting to trust no one.
Except my dead grandmother.
Cause she'll never lie to me.

I was too quick to judge, too quick to think i knew what was gonna happen. I jumped to conclusions, and didn't even bother to read the introduction. I didn't give it a chance, and now I'll never know. I'm pretty sure you've closed the book on me. but before you publish it, always remember you can go back, and re-read and change any mistakes, but only you can do that. It's the author of the book that controls the way it ends .. The characters just go with the flow .

I'm sorry for running, and im sorry for avoiding. Now you've gotten this idea of me that i'm just like the rest and i promise im not. You came in at a bad time in my life where i'm not sure of anything, not even the shoes on my feet ..
Honestly i'd rather go barefoot forever then have you think that you had me all figured out.