Baby please dont gooooo.

So much has gone on lately.....

Heartbreak, confusion, tears and joy.

Not just me, but everyone around me as well.

I can't explain whats going on in this one Walmart town.

Its almost like this huge wave of karma is passing through.

& to think hurricane season used to be Florida's biggest worry...

I dont know if im starting to realize things differently..

...or im just changing and my views are too.

its weird you know, this growing up thing. It's not a choice, its life.

I didnt ask for this height, this weight or these looks. But their mine.

I didnt ask for this life, this family or these friend. But their mine.

Ive been so awed at the 'life' factor lately...is it my age?

18? juss graduated?

i have no clue, my mind has been racing.

The thought of need money to survive,

but being able to balance a social life at the same time..ugh its tiring.

I dont know how others do it.

I feel blank sometimes, like i got mixed up with someone else, and im in their shoes... completely unaware of what to do. But no...its me.

It's always been me. I just can't accept that...or have i and im just in denial ?

I want more than anything to pursue my art,

but it seems to be the last thing on my list lately.

& thats what pisses me off the most, something im SO good at,

yet i never get to do.

I mis school, i miss Ms Richardson,

& her calling me her little cheer up every morning.

Im so stressed, dont ask me what about cause i just dont know.

I juss know im stressed, life is stressing me.

Im not doing anything i WANT to be doing, im doing what i HAVE to

and i've never been like that..its so different and uncomfortable.

This whole 'father' figure topic doesnt help either.

Go fuck yourself sperm donor. Your not wanted anymore.

Friends havent changed much lately

still trust few, and chill with many.

friends close, enemies closer yeah know ?

I'm hoping...within time..like weeks..thing will fall into place.

or together however you wanna look at it.

Im trying so hard to refrain from certain habits, to save money

to smile more, even if it hurts.

but at the end of the day im still so confused

im so lost

soo many things run through my head so quick &

so fast i cant find the words to describe them

& when i do i can't get them out quick enough.

Does everyone think like this? or it me ?

more questions, thats all it is ...questions.

Im starting to get more & more frustrated with 'life'

& what its really about, we search and search but do we ever find the answer?

why is it ONE BIG game. wheres the end? and how do i get to it.

If its under nose im gonna be so mad.

I heard people change every 7 years.

their personality, their views and even their habits change.

if so , why dont i feel different ?

I feel like ive had the same thought my whole life,

that juss yesterday i was thinking about graduating,

and today im paying for my car insurance.

Nothing FEELS different, yet it is.

I used to want this shit forever, ya'll can have it back. - Drake .

Truth Hurts .

I've never really had things handed to me in life. Maybe the little things, like what mommy does to help out. But when it comes to getting things i want, i've always had to work for them.

Hard .

But i'm a slacker. I feel like an idiot for sitting here and admitting it but it's true. Id rather procrastinate things then do them from the start. I really do live for the moment, but sometimes that's no good enough. I understand now more than ever the quote of;

'Living in the present, now you're futures out of sight."

I feel more lot now than ever. All i know is where i came from, & where i've been but i dont know where im going. Idk what i want .. but i used to.

& that's what bothers me the most, i feel like the older i get, the less i know.

Shouldn't it be the other way around ?

Shouldn't knowledge come with age ?

instead im left stranded in this two horse town with nowhere to go and no one to love.

how is that possible ?

i'm told everyday 'i've never met somebody as wild as you' ... 'what would i do without you in my life?' .. 'i bet you'd be the perfect girlfriend, you say the most perfect things'

maybe everyones fronting . i hate fronting. id rather you avoid me then front me.

i want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

All or nothing, not bits and pieces. it's juss how i am .

I fight for you, daily . and you know, but you dont care .

at least i dont think you do .

i've never understood the, 'give it time' concept. At all .

The time is always now, and never later.

Because everything is different later, its not THEN.

then again, im open minded, and some things only make sense to me.

I try to see everything from all point of views,

so they can't say i singled someone out.

Or forgot part of the story and i play this out over and over in my head

and none of these scenarios end bad

but i guess they do in your head.

How can you be there for somebody .. but only in certain ways ?

Shouldn't you be there regardless ? no matter what? Weather or storm ?

It juss doesn't add up.

These laws .. these rules .. who made them up?

Why do we follow them?

Why do we have to have a title? Why not juss be 'together' ?

no .. its gotta be 'dating' .

wtf.

seriously ? you're bullshitting me .

and it took me this whole damn blog to realize it.

Cloud 9 .

So today is my birthday , & i'm legal . THANK GOD.

I don't feel much different though haha , but who ever does ?

So i have a lot to accomplish over these next few years. I wanna tackle responsibility, and hold everything I'm accountable for. Take blow for blow however it comes at me.

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

I've realized music powers me. All kinds, from acoustic to even some hardcore bands catch my attention. They way i see it is, to ME art is a way of expressing myself. But i never took into consideration how OTHERS express themselves. And music is a huge way to letting your feelings be more understandable. I've never met someone who doesn't enjoy listening to music. I love to just sit for hours stuck on music. Not even thinking, just imagining.

What is, what could be, or what was.

Music brings me to that place ..

Where anything is possible, anything can be said, and nothings holds you back.

It's like flying , without ever leaving the ground.

No one can touch me, no one can tell me to stop or to fall back. No ones better than you, because only you exist in that place. Only you matter, no heartbreak, no judgement, no confusion. Just curiosity to the fullest, and all my artistic abilities float around me, showing my the world to be more divine than it ever is.

As an artist i think i see things different as others. No in a 'I'm better' point of view, but more complex and divine. Everything is sort of 3rd person, and i imagine things that you would probably see on cartoon network at 3am. Now, not all of its legit and some I've never told anybody because i can't even explain it. But i use that thought, that moment, that period where i zone off for hours to that one song, and i create something.

I create art.

Art is the movement.

Forever and always.

& like the Earth i hope it never ends.

Seriously , why ?

I hate being overwhelmed. It makes me panic. If too many things are happening at once, i just break down. Or i walk away like i didnt see anything. & of course i would live the life thats always overwhelming with bullshit.

Why is that? Why is it that those little things that bother you, irritate you, and send you over the edge, tend to ALWAYS happen to you?
Why do i hate the sound of weedwackers, yet i hear them everywhere?
Why can't i use a public bathroom without turning the sink on so others can't hear me go? yet i ALWAYS get the urge to pee in public?
why is that?
i really dont know, and i probly never will but its pissing me off not knowing.

i hate not knowing
i'm a nosey person, aside from my big nose.
and i like to figure things out and know whats going on.
but when i cant figure it out .. uhhh .

This school is more of a jail.
Minus the creepy old men in shackles, and barbed wire fences.
the food sucks, every building stinks, deans watch you like you've got a bomb in your book bag, and we have the strictest dress code.

Maybe BHS is in partner with the Marion County Jail .. ?
Why is it so shitty here?
the middle school isn't like this, why is it like this here?

So last night i sat on the phone with my friend for 3 1/2 hours. Listening to her rant about something her 'best friend' did. & at the end of it all she counted on ME to decide the fate of their friendship.
A simple question like , "should i still be her friend?"
is more complex than it sounds.

When times get weird, & you can't decide for yourself,
why do we turn to others to do it for us?
Laziness? Curiosity? Lack of responsibility? why is that?
We would rather someone else choose our fate, then ourselves.

I'm procrastinating my online class, Algebra 2. It wasn't easy the first time i took it, and it's only gotten harder since then.
Why aren't we built with these things in our brains?
Why must me teach ourselves these lessons,
yet other things come natural?
Calculating a simple slope intercept form problem takes nearly 20 minutes for me to figure out,
yet were born with this knowledge of stupid things.
Like 'Hey im hungry, i should eat." or "My leg hurts, i should find out why."
Why is that?
Why waste common sense, and natural knowledge on such bullshit and hype?
Why not come into the world with more than that?
We would probly have more succesful people in this world,
and deffinatly get more out of life.

but who am i to decide this right?
im not god .

In my head.

I don't know where to start, where to draw the line or when to wave that white flag. When i was younger, i used to admire my sister, and her friends. & how they were older than me, & had all the freedom in the world. To go as they please, and do as their young hearts' desires. But i guess i didn't take into consideration that with freedom comes, responsibility. I'm not the best at balancing things out, I'm actually the worst. I get all confused, my eye brows raise to the sky and i panic. I'd rather avoid something then send myself into cardiac arrest just trying to understand whats going on at the moment. From forgetting homework to not even knowing about that exam.

That same trait, i think messes me up in many other ways .. especially love. or the attempt at love. whatever you wanna call it, because i just don't know. Some days i think i should have said yes .. others i try to push it out of my head and replace it with some other pointless thought. I'm so mixed & beaten on this subject that finding the words to explain it just isn't in me today.

There 6 1/2 weeks of school left, and my senior year isn't all i thought it would be. Juss work work work and heartbreak .. i give too many people my trust, and I'm tired of being hurt. I've almost forgotten what friendship is thanks to all these shady, disrespectful people in this town.

Is it a sin to think of yourself as better than others,

but only in some ways?
To think you know what it takes to be a good friend,

but get still get shit in return?

I'm starting to trust no one.
Except my dead grandmother.
Cause she'll never lie to me.

I was too quick to judge, too quick to think i knew what was gonna happen. I jumped to conclusions, and didn't even bother to read the introduction. I didn't give it a chance, and now I'll never know. I'm pretty sure you've closed the book on me. but before you publish it, always remember you can go back, and re-read and change any mistakes, but only you can do that. It's the author of the book that controls the way it ends .. The characters just go with the flow .

I'm sorry for running, and im sorry for avoiding. Now you've gotten this idea of me that i'm just like the rest and i promise im not. You came in at a bad time in my life where i'm not sure of anything, not even the shoes on my feet ..
Honestly i'd rather go barefoot forever then have you think that you had me all figured out.

First Impressions .

So i'm new to this blogger thing, but i'm familiar with social networking so it shouldn't be too rough. I figured i'm well with words, and why not give it a shot. Normally my opinions and thoughts stay where they should and thats in my head. But as the economy goes to shit, and everyone else gets their input on life around us, i feel the pressure to do the same. But i strive to keep my words in a respective manner, and try not to insult others. But sometimes the truth hurts. Politically wise i'm pretty negative. I've yet to choose a side, Democratic or Republican etc, it doesn't matter. I suck at making decisions so at times, both parties sound correct. My input doesn't matter in that field anyways honestly I don't think I've been around long enough to understand whats REALLY going on in this country. So i'm gonna leave that job up to the professionals.

Other than that i'm pretty open minded and free spirited. Stereotypes are a sin in my book & nobody should be pushed into a category, other than female and male. Tho, at times thats even at question. Everybody's got their own way of going about things, dressing, talking, walking, working or even thinking. So to do such a selfish act as labeling .. well it just doesn't seem right to me.

My mind tends to wander without control. I spend countless hours thinking about absolutely random things, things that may never cross your mind in a lifetime, but bother me every second of the way. So don't be surprised if the things i write sound outrageous or 'far fetch', because they probably are. I don't think of this as a bad habit, it's actually one of my favorite traits.

And like the Earth, i hope it never ends.